My parents couldnt sleep a bit for days. I was so stubborn that I never cared for anyones feelings. I never studied well. If i had any ailment, i used t curse others. I was so addicted to TV and movies that I satyed indoors for almost 6 years after college. I gave false beliefs that we could have a bright future despite being idle. Now my parents are ailing due to old age. My twin have turned maniac. I am the sole reason. When children act out and are neglected so that they watch TV all day and get no emotional support, the responsibility and problem lies with the parents.
Meanwhile, attend CoDA. Really, seek out counseling. It sounds like your emotional problems stem from your childhood. Healing them will help you resolve your guilt.
Read Conquering Shame and do the exercises. Go too CoDA meetings. I have repeatedly apologized and she keeps attacking me, and is now saying she is going to tell my current employer, which I deserve. I am so embarrassed, I just want to run and hide. I feel horrible. Today I got me and my best friend in trouble and now her mother is going to jail because of legal things.
Its pretty dumb but we left class early and we ran from a teacher and got in trouble. I ruined her life. I dont know what to do, I feel like I need to cut ties because im not good for her.
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I feel so guilty, I dont know what to do. Speak with another trusted adult or school counselor for advice. Telling someone is the first step in healing and breaking out of that dysfunctional family system. Then if you still feel the same, make amends. When I was young, eight or so, I took advantage of a younger relative and have never been able to forgive myself.
Now, at the age of 20, I repeatedly abuse myself emotionally and by seeking out unhealthy relationships. I have worked with clients like yourself. There are reasons of which you seem to be unaware, why you did what you did. In some way you yourself were a victim, also. In an extremely drunken state, I got with a friend who was in a similar state. She has a lovely boyfriend who I have resultantly damaged and damaged their relationship. I feel so much guilt because I would never do that sober and for me to be so careless was stupid and I am ashamed. Doing that and working the 12 Steps see my ebook on Freedom from Guilt , will turn shame into guilt and provide you guidelines on making changes that alleviate guilt.
Someone else forgiving you is not the point. You violated your own standards. You can learn more about self-shaming in Conquering Shame and Codependency. I lied alot out of insecurity and a need to keep people at a distance. One lie spiraled into dozens. After two years of this two people whom I had mistakenly seen as friends from an early age a decade earlier returned to the country and I introduced them to my social network.
They proceeded to call out my lies and uncover any skeletons in my closet.
Furthermore, my girlfriend at the time, after breaking up, proceeded to shame me publicly. To the extent that the entirety of my faculty at university now mocks me openly. Do the exercises in Conquering Shame. Counseling will be important to move forward. I did something bad a few years ago and just came to the realization how bad it was. I was in college and this girl and I were somewhat hitting it off, well she ended up sleeping in my bed and sometime in the middle of the night I wanted to try and initiate sexual activity so we could have sex.
This is not me as a person. How do I fix this. You seem to have disowned your natural instincts and sexuality, and shamed them instead. The disconnect from the human who you are an who you think you are is causing you guilt and shame. I suggest doing the exercises in the blog, my books, Freedom from Guilt and Conquering Shame and Codependency to learn self-acceptance. I tend to have irrational jeaolusy, I have been married for 2 months and have acted jeaolus in 2 occasions. I accomplish one month of not searching for reasons and it was a great effort for me, but yesterday I did it.
My husband wants to punish me by not coming with me to a wedding from my family side, those relatives went to our wedding. Instead, I feel like punishing myself by not eating in 2 days, I love food, that will be a better one. What should I do. Punishing yourself only repeats the trauma, but gives you a sense of control over your feeling food. Seek out counseling and commit yourself to healing.
Dear Darlene. My parents proposed me a girl to marry. I accepted that and associates her till couple of days ago. Its been 3 years relationship. She did everything as per her own decision and did not willing to accept. I met a another girl in my workstation and had an affair with her. I felt her good qualities and thought to move on with her.
I explained everything to my new girlfriend and she agreed to marry me. I stopped my previous affair but now she says she will behave herself well. Am i wrong? Forgiveness must come from within. You must find peace within yourself. Maybe you learned something about thinking through the consequences of your behavior. Do the exercises in Freedom from Guilt and Conquering Shame. Yours is a heavy burden. It requires many steps including confession, contrition, and making amends, as set forth in my ebook. The fact that you feel guilty is a positive sign. He got angry and said that he could no longer trust me and cut me off from his life.
To make matters worse because my emotions were all over the place, I got in touch with his ex and another person and disclosed all the hangups and issues he had. Now he hates me with a passion. Am such a screw-up. Losing him like I did with another person 8 years ago…the pain has never healed. Hope for Forgiveness and Reconciliation…impossible now. Perhaps it was an important life lesson on the importance of trust and honesty in relationships.
Breaking the Addiction to Please
Maybe you were treated like you treated your friend. Do the Steps here and in Freedom from Guilt. Perhaps it was an important life lesson on the value of trust and honesty in relationships. We are in relationship since 4 months. She likes me alot…. Sounds like you violated your own values, which we all do sometimes. Take the steps to forgive yourself outlined in the blog and my ebook, Freedom from Guilt — Finding Self-Forgiveness. I am student studying to get into university.
And my mom was a house wife who dedicated all her youth for us and for me. So when she told me she was going to work just 2days a week and for 6 hrs. But i didnt want her to dedicate her life to us anymore and i wanted ger to start donig things she enjoyed. So i said no mom , i will be fine. But that was a lie i couldnt study a single word when i was alone and dad was at work too. So i had to lie to her every day about it and i still am.
And its ruining me. Rather than focus on your guilt, use it to motivate you to make your lie the truth. Rather than focus on your guilt, make your lie the truth. Firstly, self-forgiveness does not require innocence. We forgive people that make mistakes, even intentionally commit crimes. However, from your own admission, you have certain limitations, such as a poor memory.
Also, guilt is a normal phase of grief. I suggest doing all the exercises in Freedom from Guilt and Blame — Finding Self-Forgiveness However, you may want to punish yourself a bit longer. Thank you for this article. I have been making the same mistakes over and over in my life and at this point I feel like a complete failure.
Your article is helping me to understand what happened. Way back to the shame that I felt that very first time. I hope that by following your advice I can break this never-ending cycle. Freedom from Guilt and Blame — Finding Self-Forgiveness can help you with the former and Conquering Shame and Codependency will help you with the latter. I cared for her alone. The last month of her life I stopped feeding her because I did not want her to go to a nursing home. She suffered for 9 days and died. I can not get the images out of my head of her dying. Hospice was involved but I know she suffered.
I feel terribly guilty now. I miss her terribly. I regret letting her die. I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I did not have good advice and I was alone. Can you help me? Everyone makes mistakes they regret, and sometimes the consequences are irreversible. It seems your codependency led you to do what you did. In Codependency for Dummies, read the difference between caregiving and caretaking.
You can find help in a grief group as well as doing the exercises in Freedom from Guilt and Blame. You would benefit from individual counseling and CoDA meetings, as well. The other day, I lied to my friend so I can have less work on my back. I could of done this work easily, but I was simply to lazy to. Can you do this for me? My friend happily said yes, I understand your overwhelmed and sure. There are two problems for this. First, I recommend doing the exercises suggested in this article. All religions provide forms of confession and amends or restitution for wrongs we do to others.
I personally launched 50 tomahawk missiles that killed hundreds, destroyed home, business. Not just enemy combatants, but innocent women, children, and entire families. How do I live? Also medication can help. Talk to your V. Meanwhile, you do the exercises in Freedom from Guilt. You are not alone, we are with you. I take frequent leaves coz I hate the teachers and the atmosphere in my college My mom knows about it. I have no motivation to go there.
My attendance percentage came really down and My HOD enquired me. I lied to her about the reason for absence. She found it out and called my mom and screamed to her. I feel horrible for letting this happen to my mom. Guilt is appropriate in your case. Follow the steps in Freedom from Guilt to make amends and move on.
Last night I went out to a Frat party and did some things I really regret. These things really go against my morals and I feel like I let myself, my family, and God down. Is there a way to get rid of the guilt and still enjoy these parties? Is paranoia and guilt linked? It sounds like you have both guilt an and shame operating together. Drinking will definitely dis-inhibit your instincts and impair your judgment. In any case, you can certainly get relief by doing the exercises in my ebook, Freedom from Guilt, and book, Conquering Shame and Codependency. I lived with a woman for nearly 5 years.
Last September we broke up because of her alcoholism; she became abusive, it was the second time. She died of advanced liver disease this June She begged me to let her come back, and I realized about 2 months before she died that I should have. I let down my BFF.
I DID love her more than life and anything on earth and was only fooling myself. I should have seen past the addiction, she was the most beautiful soul in the world. She deserved so much better, my good girl. That was certainly a dilemma. You had a conflict of needs — to be with your ex and risk losing your current relationship or honor that, which was also valuing your life and future. Guilt is also a stage of grief, which is likely exacerbating and confusing your perspective. I had a falling-out with a former good friend more than 10 years ago.
To make a long and complicated story short, I was hurt that she was not more supportive of me for choosing to leave my abusive ex-husband. A couple of years later I came to my senses, sought her out and apologized. She graciously accepted, and we renewed our acquaintance. However, the easy intimacy we once shared is gone forever. I have since remarried, and have a much better life, but the loss of this once-close friendship continues to haunt me.
I very much regret the pain I caused her — and myself. Sometimes we regret our past choices, but if we continue to blame ourselves, we perpetuate unnecessary guilt. You might talk about what happened with your friend, but first get clear within yourself by doing the exercises in Freedom from Guilt and Blame — Finding Self-Forgiveness. Oh boy… this is going to be hard to tell. Me and my buddies were hanging out and chilling. We convinced one to go climb a tree, and as he did, we drove away but pulled back up around.
As he came back towards the car, he went down and picked up an item. I pulled back to avoid whatever was being put in. In the struggle i turned and twisted, to where i was feeling choked. I pulled out my pocket knife and pointed it at him and told him what he put in the shirt.
I always considered it a tool, never a weapon. I think you will find relief by doing the exercises in my ebook, Freedom from Guilt. Try it! Hii i justinto a relationship which is goin to be about 6 months … From past 3 months we have met eachother w e rtalkin on daily bases on phone but we are not h intimacy chat between us …. He lyk doing verbal conversation and iam into sexting and all so from past one month im doing sexting wid strangers online.. He was very angry n then i told him it was a joke because i dont want to lose him… Because i love him….
Plxzzzz help me… I didnt do that on purpose jst for the sake of physical attraction…help meout. Seek some therapy to get into the deeper motivations for your actions, and read my books Conquering Shame and Freedom from Guilt and Blame. I am 25 Years male, i have been abused a 15year girl many times, now i am feeling more guilty towards to it. Its all due to lust on my mind i feel.
Being she is young i used to seduce her and she never said no. Plz help me.. This is very serious. You need to stop immediately, and seek professional help to understand why you did what you did. It does not matter whether she said no. To overcome your guilt you must understand yourself. You can read my book, Freedom from Guilt , which includes changing your behavior and making amends, but you still need professional help. Hi Darlene and all, I am going through a tough time dealing with the fact that my fiance has very quickly moved on and has a new partner.
Together her and I have 2 beautiful girls ages 7 and 2. My fiance and I got into an a verbal argument in early December regarding her on-going disloyalty, for years she has repeatedly sexted multiple men and repeatedly her high school ex. But in , somehow we had again become friends, this time her behavior was good, but for me it was a platonic friendship. Is she still upset because of me? Have i hurt her relation? But recently on her FB Account i saw her wedding pics, I was relieved to see her happy.
But the self destructive thoughts in my mind keep telling me that i have hurt her, and do not deserve to live. You would benefit from cognitive therapy and doing the exercises in my books, Conquering Shame and Codependency and Freedom from Guilt and Blame — Finding Self-Forgiveness. I am married for 4 years now, but we are in difficult situation where we often have to be separated for long periods. I have a best friend that i have known for my entire life and he happens to be a guy.
Few nights ago, we have been talking about past and we made out. The worst part is that a night after that it, the same situation happened but this time it went further.. I cannot forgive myself, I have been crying ever since. If I tell my husband, it would break him. I broke off that friendship, but what do I do now?? Help me! Work through the exercises in Freedom from Guilt. Try the exercises in the blog and take the steps in Freedom from Guilt. My close friend made out with me twice she initiated when she was feeling low because of her feud with Ex-BF. I apologised her too.
I just ran at a High School Track meet yesterday, and I was in the 2 mile. During my run, my dad was yelling at me to go faster because he was timing me, and I know he only wants me to do better. I feel horrible about it because I looked at him and all of the other fans who were cheering me on. I have this feeling of guilt and regret, and I think my coach is really mad at me. What should I do about this? My brother in law consider his self as the purest one. He set a CCTV for watching me without I know, and one time he caught me and my boyfriend making love,, He tells family and now Im in distance with my family, I have to live alone..
I hate Him so much,,, things that comes in my mind is always about anger and revenge… I really feel deep furstation.. My friend hurt her premature daughter really bad physically. Her daughter was in the NICU for four months after birth and she never felt the motherly connection with her. She called the cops on herself and lost all three children due to the one incident.
She is highly emotional. Expresses her feelings constantly. What can I do to be a good friend except just listen? Shes spiritual and has hope but has her days. Up and down with her emotions. You can urge her to get that. Recently, I got drunk with my girlfriend of 5 years, and out of the blue, I went off on her in a verbal tirade. The only other time this has happen was when I first returned from Vietnam and I did the same thing to my Mother, I was sober.
This was 48 years ago I am so ashamed, and guilt ridden, along with being remorseful. I did send my girlfriend a letter of apology, and taking full responsiblity for my actions. It seems easy to forgive someone who does me harm, but virtually impossible to forgive myself. You would benefit from my ebook on Self-Forgiveness.
First might be accepting and then getting help for your multiple mental health problems. Perhaps this was a wake-up call. I did a terrible thing Just over 2 years ago i stole some money from my husbands nan after 3 months she told her daughters who then told their daughters, they then came to my house and told my husband, he was of course sad but he and the nan got over it, i payed her back of course, but the guilt eats at me and i cant get over what the family must think of me now, i know they hate me but im for ever worried about what they must b thinking, i play it in my head all the time, the guilt is eating me up all the time,.
Caring what others think is more shame than guilt. I was young and made very stupid decisions which I regret and wish I could take them back. A year later he confessed that he cheated on me. Basically told me that it was over and continued to date this new girl.. They continued to date for over a month.
He looked for me then and asked if I wanted to get back together so we did. I never told him about the cheating from my part so almost 4 years have passed and we got married. I told him about one of the incidence that happened when he was with the other girl. He told me he wanted a divorce I again gathered my stuff and left back home with my parents. I know if I throw this bomb on him he will no longer want to be with me. I have this guilt that is killing me inside, I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.
What should I do? Will this guilt go away? Work through all the steps in my ebook on self-forgiveness. The real issue is making peace with yourself. Good day everybody am here to share my life testimony to you all and to those time of life you think everything has end no, there is always a way out, my life is an example of that, my name is Cacilia am from USA but i work here in UK and i have been in a relationship for 4years now i sacrifice my life my money to make sure it work out and to have a happy family with my boyfriend a time comes when my boyfriend lost his job i stand to make sure he never lack anything and i fight for him to get a new job and have our wedding planed few weeks ago my boyfriend got a good job and i was so happy for him and we where happy together again last week i.
I felt horrible afterwards and called them about it, but I still feel really guilty. Trying to forgive myself but finding it hard to do so. You feel appropriately guilty because you believe lying is a bad thing. Maybe you also feel ashamed. You need to move from guilt and remorse to contrition and self-forgiveness. She is otherwise a great friend and I did not intend to get into a serious relationship with her,, …. Only you can forgive yourself. Dear Doc,first tnx for excellent website. I had a relationship when25 for8 years. We loved eachother v.
Tried 3yrs more. Nothing was fixing it. I decided to end it. It was too sad to destroy my love. I was deeply depressed for1yr. Now,after3yr,despite anew partner,I still suffer a lot. It hurts to worrying levels. I feel ashamed,like if he was still my man and I was cheatin. I feel judged. Do the exercises in my ebook, Freedom from Guilt and Blame — Finding Self-Forgiveness to find self-forgiveness, let go and move on. As you say you were young and breaking up. You need to examine the deeper reasons why you keep punishing yourself.
Because i lied i know i did… and i lost evrything. What should i do? You would benefit from doing the exercises i Codependency for Dummies and stay tuned for a coming ebook on self-forgiveness. You will continue to feel guilty as long as you keep repeating the same behavior. You need to treat your codependency and perhaps depression. Medication and meditation may also be of help. You need to begin creating a good life without her. Maybe I was in a wrong frame of mind and so I said something bad. I felt bad after my actions so I apologized which was even accepted by her.
But one of her friend called me up and bullied and misbehaved with me over the phone. I am still feeling very guilty as to why I did something wrong in the first place. My guess is that you are feeling shame due to the bullying and shaming from her friend. It may have touched off toxic shame you already felt about yourself and perhaps is the reason you said what you did in the first place. My book, Conquering Shame and Codependency can help you with that and so much more. I joined a self-help group. A relative of mine had depression.
Self-Forgiveness & Overcoming Guilt
This relative had an interest in the group. The intention was to get help and pre-warn the leader of the situation. I feel I have badmouthed my relative. This relative is not likely to have contact with the group. Better to confess fear , or process alone? I was in a relationship 6months back,but then I broke up with my ex. After that,I got into a relationship with a guy who also had a break up with his then-girlfriend because they were not compatible. Since then we are in a relationship,I helped him get out of his previous relationship but still he feels guilty thinking that he had a physical intimacy with her when they were together due to which she got pregnant and later got aborted,How can I help him to overcome this guilt and move on in life,will he be able to ever forget her and love me fully?
You can listen lovingly, but that may get tiresome after a while. CBT would help. I am a girl, I have been in fear and shame for 8 months, when I talked with a man on skype, he is a nice man, and our relationship went deeper, one day he asked me to send him some nude pics without face, I hesitated, but eventually I sent some to him. After sent them, I feel it is wrong, I asked him to delete these pics, and he said he did it.
Since you cannot undo what you did, you must learn self-compassion and understanding of why you did what you did. Do the exercises in the blog and in my book, Conquering Shame , to heal from shame and learn self-compassion. I have just discovered your website and it is so helpful and sincere. Thank you for sharing your advice and wisdom. I have lived with guilt and regret for many years. My question is, how can I forgive myself and release myself from guilt and shame, when the wrongs that I did have real ongoing physical effects on myself, and on those I love, and I live with the reminders of that every day?
I did not do anything malicious. The wrongs I have done were because of being reckless, impetuous, foolish, selfish and having low self-esteem. But the effects have been terrible. It is hard to live with this burden. I would welcome any advice. Thank you. Toxic shame causes guilt that never ends. Try the suggestions here and work the steps in Conquering Shame and Codependency. Also my ebook, Spiritual Transformation in the 12 Steps helps overcome guilt and shame.
I dont know what to do as i cant control my emotions, sometimes i feel like i hate her and i m trying not to text or call or see her at all but she keeps contacting.
When Someone You Love has an Addiction -
Then i feel all day guilty and i feel like a evil and cannot sleep all night but i cant control it. Please help. My problem is I went out last night, got drunk and stupidly kissed a guy. Try to develop compassion for yourself by doing the exercises. Your behaviors were reactions. Understand why you react as you do and change your pattern. Read Codependency for Dummies — the chapter on letting go, and Conquering Shame to heal your shame.
Hello, I have been married recently. But I am unhappy. Feeling Guilty. I loved one girl and wanted to marry her but my parents denied. Then we broke up and she went to her exboyfriend and did everything in terms of physical relationship. In mean time decided of not getting married to any other girl. Getting married out of anger and jealousy was for the wrong reasons. You need to handle your emotions and behavior better and think through the consequences of your actions, which you have to live with. Do the exercises in the blog and see if they help. See my new blog on jealousy.
Whenever I saw my ex in my mind it hurts to the point of tears. Things were not perfect back then, but those were the most fulfilling 3 years of my life. The pain has been going on for weeks. I told him no thank you but he kept on harrasing me. My mind was screaming, but my body did nothing. I just said no, i have a boyfriend, but i didnt pull away. Sometimes i feel i should break up with him without telling him, but i love him so much.
He is the best man ive ever met, and cant take hurting him. Breaking up without telling him would unnecessarily hurt both of you. You may want to honestly consider whether you have a drinking problem you need to address. You told the stranger no, but he disrespected you.
In your state, there was absolutely nothing you could have done. You need your boyfriend more than ever before- because you need his support, his unconditional love, his understanding. You also need to understand that the shame you feel is the shame that stranger deserves, not you. Ask for his forgiveness, then work together to overcome the habit of drinking too much. It will bring your closer together.
With a loved one, vulnerability is invincibility. Addressing the problem together will also prevent something horrible from happening again. I feel enormous guilt for lying all the time to everyone I love. I have done a horrible thing that has gone on for years. It has caused everyone pain.
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If I tell them the truth, no one will ever speak to me again. I am so ashamed, I might be a pathological liar. I am horrified with myself. I have harmed myself and cried and cried. I CANT tell my family. I need help. You need to speak to a therapist to turn your life and behavior around. Do the exercises in the blog and read my book on Conquering Shame. Making amends is a key way to overcome guilt. Hi Darlene, I have been feeling guilty for a very long time. All was well in the beginning, until I caught him talking to other girls. I was hurt, but forgave him because I understood his explanation of insecurity and fear of losing in relationships.
However, shortly after this ordeal, I gave another man a lap dance at a party. There was no groping or kissing, just the traditional lap dance. I thought it was harmless, so I told my boyfriend a few months later. He nearly broke up with me so I panicked. I changed my story calm him down… and 8 months later, I still feel guilty. Masturbation is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed about. It is regrettable that your religion or culture makes it so. Other things like lying and stealing, are lessons to learn from and not repeat.
Read my book and do the steps to heal. I acted horribly on a video game, which meant I acted innaproprate and did some bad things for someone my age. I feel like they are diasspointed in me. What do I do? It can motivate us to change our behavior. Be proactive instead of focusing on the past. I feel lost and have no idea how to help myself. Steve Almond : The most dangerous delusion we carry around when it comes to death is the notion that we should never speak ill of the dead.
We erase their defects and destructive conduct. We gussy up their legacy and imagine them ascending to heaven. In essence we, the living, deal with our guilt by conferring sainthood upon the dead. Because his death is so fresh in your mind, your guilt and anger are, at the moment, shielding you from a more painful truth: that your brother was in tremendous pain for much of his short life, which he tried to drown in drugs. The task that lies ahead for you is to find mercy for that broken soul.
Cheryl Strayed : You have every right to mourn your brother, regardless of the feelings you had about him and his bad behavior. In losing him you lost an essential person in your life — your big brother, whom I imagine you once loved. The most important thing I want to say to you is to be gentle with yourself. Your feelings about your brother will change over time, as you grow and gain perspective on his life and your own, but right now this loss is fresh: Your brother died only a few months ago, after years of familial turmoil brought on by his addiction.
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This is how he must have felt in those last few years, after all, as he was careening through his addiction. And this is how it works with those whom we love most deeply: They find a way not just of showing us how they feel, but of making us feel as they do. It is merely amplified within the echo chamber of irretrievable loss. Like all mourners, you are searching for a way to keep your brother alive, even if that means absorbing his riotous anguish.